Amores perros

the extremes i felt this time at Mahabs, enuff peace to just be... enough rage to dislocate.

i vs I

Finally!!!! i can access my own blog... today was yet another slow day when i managed to block out most thoughts... like i usually do and preserve my inertia - like 'Daft mode.' feeling very very sleepy and still nervous about next week's editorship... another day where i browse through endless articles written by subjective sometimes partially fiction writers. ok ok some of them really act like a true catalyst to hasten the process of information dissemination... will i ever reach that status... where my mind is just a receptacle for the chemical reactions of the world's events to react with eachother and give birth to intelligent analytical writing? e.e. cummings really got it right with his doing away of the caps lock on i huh... so much harder to do in life and not just on paper...
eliot made a brilliant argument with his 'depersonalisation theory'... it sounds extremely philosophical and poignant to attribute all literature to its ultimate source - Truth...and NOT the person who just put it into words. i think it was limp bizkit that wrote in a song 'rearranged' - 'heavy is the head that wears the crown'... and i agree.. so y tke the tension of putting that crown on in the first place... to me anonymity gives me a sense of liberation... so that people don't place their expectations on me... it feels less like i'll let anbody down that way... if right from the start i just state the obvious... that i'm human and more prone to muddle things up than the average human being... hehe...
maybe its because i feel a person's work is more important than the person her/himself. of course it is always nice to delve into the biodata that goes behind that excellent work... but this getting precedence... hmmm. that's contentious. i'd much rather someone appreciated me for the work i do, rather than the life i lead... but sometimes the problem is in separating the two... some people inspire us BY the lives they lead... hmmm... confusion confusion...
maybe the issue to watch for here is the tainting of a pure spirit by premature recognition... i envy those geniuses who got recognised after they died...i know it's really sad that they were so bankrupt while they lived.... but i think that they were that brilliant BECAUSE they endured that hardship... somehow these critical situations and hard circumstances seem to bring out the best in a person more than any comfort in the world can. and public recognition taints the purity of the experience and thus compromises the quality of the outcome.
'like the poet needs the pain' i guess... or something like that. its similar to my friend bel and my theory that creativity is usually a by-product of boredom.. this explains y so many friends of mine and i do such crazy stuff during study hols... of course the pressure of doing such an expensive journalism course adds too much pressure on my unjournalistically tuned head, so i avoid doing crazy stuff now...:-( but that's ok... it's just temporary in/ sanity!
but getting back to the point... like everyone else... i hope i do something great in my lifetime... but i'm afraid that if someone notices it right away... that might prevent me from doing a good follow up to it.. cos i'll be too busy enjoyingthe fruits of success and getting fat and commercial like oh so many of those brilliant musicians who got happy... and thus lost the tormented soul that speaks throgh their music... ALANIS ... oh ALANIS... ROB THOMAS!!!! oh i hate you... vanthi varava eppa (translation: now vomit is coming.) but then you have those people like kurt cobain who was what i call a famofobic... and we've lost much music in him... but much more for those so called traitors who chose to have happiness and money over real music... music that moves. can't blame them tho.. in an idealistic sense they chose personal stuff over career... but in our shitty plastic world... they actually made a good career move cos ratings go up when your lips are all so glossy... your shirt has that nice deep v-cut, your jeans highlight the contours of your body and your lyrics are so repetitive and superficial, that anybody who wants to just get jiggy with it... loves it... and there you have it... your very own plastic puppet to sing and dance for you...so sad, so sad.. ever so sad...
to return to t.s. eliot - this is the way the world ends,
(repeat thrice in the tune of here we go round teh mulberry bush)
not with a bang but a whimper
scary no? this is the kind of self scrutiny and sense of despair that bangalore university inflicted upon us lit students in r final year.... this and 'heart of darkness'.. wow! what a way to go into the world... cynical, depressed, suspicious and despairing... no no not really... just needed to resoak those good cosmic vibes and i was back on track. i still have hope... that's y i love 'daft punk'...till now, these musicians cud pass u by on the road and u wudn't know it was them...
i feel it's crucial to be a part of the system u write/ sing/ philosophise/ whatever about. once u gain that vantage point with success... how can u mainatin eye - to eye contact.. u've got a bird eye view then. but how in hell does one give up the comforts of life??? isn't it human nature to strive for better thigns... i guess it depends on each one's understanding of what comprises those 'better things'... hmmmm.... i wonder what i strive for...

losing hair

so its finally happened again.. i got sooo nervous about being co-editor of the college online e-zine (Please do check it out...www.digantik.com) that i LOST all the hair on my head.... hehe actually felt like a good release of heat. makes me wonder tho... just a bit. about the practicality (fractally speaking of course) of having hair on the head in a tropical country. i remember when i grew my hair during my undergrad studies... so much FRUSTRATION!!! because the cops always knew straight away that i'm a girl... (aside: sometimes it really helps when they think you are a guy... if it's not one of those times... i just say something to them.. and from the tendency of my voice to strike at more treble pitches... most of them figure out the truth) damn!... i could have gotten away without paying that stupid guy a 'fine' for happening to be driving down a road with some friends in the car... u think moral policing is bad only in Chennai... wake up!... late at night and check out bangalore... this 'cosmopolitan' city with malls sprouting like the poisonous variety of mushrooms has a problem with people being out late at night... this in the city where the call centre industry belies and dumbfounds all reason and continues to boom.
but back to the mottayness... and its implications... its easier to be accepted as a genderless identity when you have short hair... long hair invariably carries the tag 'effeminate' with it... so does tight/ fitting clothing... but i'm not gonna start down that road... maybe its just all those gender classes i've been attending... they are seriously disturbing sometimes.... like a tiny thread in a shawl that refuses to be pulled out or stay hidden... it just bugs the crap outta you constantly.
on one such day... i was getting more mind numbed than usual about how i my choices n life determine my gendered context .... PSYCHE!!! i thought n thought, but like most introspective endeavours... this was not getting me too far initially, it only comes to me after much labour and then tung... a light goes off in my head... and the next 15 mins is spent in head banging out of pure frustration and the all too familiar feeling of ' it's so simple... how cud i not c it b4'... the pain of hindsight...all this torment because its so incredibly easy for me to get lost in the theory of structures and language... i find them so abysmally confounding at times... the very very thin line b/w reality and dream... which gets increasingly blurred for me the more i think or learn about it. The same goes for most other topics i love... like literature and psychology... which brings me to the conniving word 'norm' al... which in itself is so freaking contentious and relative... but lets not get into that either... not right away anyway. did you know that the 'science' of psychology has no fixed way of defining what is normal... that's what my teacher tod me in the very first class of abnormal psychology.. wow!! that was so refreshingly comforting... to think taht the moral judgements and labels we so readily slap on 'others'... is all based on a notion... an ideal that is far from accurate...when i found out...it was huge load off me.. i realised i didn't have to conform... unless i wanted to of course... less guilt and more freedom... and hopefully with more time...less bias...
but 'judging' from the responses in my psychology class... the more you learn about psyched psychology... the more you want to classify a person under a personality type, a person with psychoses or as simply as INSANE in the membrane... but like like my flatmate shruti so cleverly named her blog agateophilic ( which means lover of insanity) to rip 2 phrases off..."i'm going deeper underground... there's too much panic in this town"... and "i'm loving it."
psychedelic, famofobic, schizophrenic...cosmic, toxic...