Wednesday, February 01, 2006

losing hair

so its finally happened again.. i got sooo nervous about being co-editor of the college online e-zine (Please do check it that i LOST all the hair on my head.... hehe actually felt like a good release of heat. makes me wonder tho... just a bit. about the practicality (fractally speaking of course) of having hair on the head in a tropical country. i remember when i grew my hair during my undergrad studies... so much FRUSTRATION!!! because the cops always knew straight away that i'm a girl... (aside: sometimes it really helps when they think you are a guy... if it's not one of those times... i just say something to them.. and from the tendency of my voice to strike at more treble pitches... most of them figure out the truth) damn!... i could have gotten away without paying that stupid guy a 'fine' for happening to be driving down a road with some friends in the car... u think moral policing is bad only in Chennai... wake up!... late at night and check out bangalore... this 'cosmopolitan' city with malls sprouting like the poisonous variety of mushrooms has a problem with people being out late at night... this in the city where the call centre industry belies and dumbfounds all reason and continues to boom.
but back to the mottayness... and its implications... its easier to be accepted as a genderless identity when you have short hair... long hair invariably carries the tag 'effeminate' with it... so does tight/ fitting clothing... but i'm not gonna start down that road... maybe its just all those gender classes i've been attending... they are seriously disturbing sometimes.... like a tiny thread in a shawl that refuses to be pulled out or stay hidden... it just bugs the crap outta you constantly.
on one such day... i was getting more mind numbed than usual about how i my choices n life determine my gendered context .... PSYCHE!!! i thought n thought, but like most introspective endeavours... this was not getting me too far initially, it only comes to me after much labour and then tung... a light goes off in my head... and the next 15 mins is spent in head banging out of pure frustration and the all too familiar feeling of ' it's so simple... how cud i not c it b4'... the pain of hindsight...all this torment because its so incredibly easy for me to get lost in the theory of structures and language... i find them so abysmally confounding at times... the very very thin line b/w reality and dream... which gets increasingly blurred for me the more i think or learn about it. The same goes for most other topics i love... like literature and psychology... which brings me to the conniving word 'norm' al... which in itself is so freaking contentious and relative... but lets not get into that either... not right away anyway. did you know that the 'science' of psychology has no fixed way of defining what is normal... that's what my teacher tod me in the very first class of abnormal psychology.. wow!! that was so refreshingly comforting... to think taht the moral judgements and labels we so readily slap on 'others'... is all based on a notion... an ideal that is far from accurate...when i found was huge load off me.. i realised i didn't have to conform... unless i wanted to of course... less guilt and more freedom... and hopefully with more time...less bias...
but 'judging' from the responses in my psychology class... the more you learn about psyched psychology... the more you want to classify a person under a personality type, a person with psychoses or as simply as INSANE in the membrane... but like like my flatmate shruti so cleverly named her blog agateophilic ( which means lover of insanity) to rip 2 phrases off..."i'm going deeper underground... there's too much panic in this town"... and "i'm loving it."
psychedelic, famofobic, schizophrenic...cosmic, toxic...